I used to hate “read receipts”. You know that little box that pops up when you open an email and you click on yes to say, “Yes! I read the bloody email. Its in my inbox – duh!” Or you click on no, and just ignore it. Or you delete the message, and this is really obvious – hell, if a person sends an email to a specific email address then it will get there, or it should. And if I delete it, then you will get an email saying the message was not read – And who then didn’t read it. I did… uh… not… uh... well I opened it and closed my eyes and pressed no and then closed it so I definitely didn’t read it and just wanted you to know that okay?
I used to think read receipts were stupid. And a lot of my employers also thought they were in bad taste. I got into a lot of trouble once because it was against company policy. Why, if I hate them so much did I add the read receipt? It was my first proper job out of varsity with email and everything. I saw it as very professional. Then, over the years, the read receipt lost its novelty. Not only is it a royal pain to have to click yes all the time when you get 500 emails (I wish!), because sometimes in a hurry you press no, or delete by mistake, and again look like a bit of an idiot, especially if it is a hot prospective client, but it is a royal pain in the butt because if you send out 500 emails you potentially will get 1000 emails in return – half of those would be read receipts.
Well, that’s the theory anyhow. And that theory is why I dislike them. However, seven years later into my career with email and I not only want to add the damn read receipt, I also want to be a super hero with super powers like invisibility coupled with the ability to move with the speed of thought. Much like Harry Potter being able to apperate, but I would like to be able to apperate to wherever the recipient is that might or might not have read my very important email. So, I would send the email and in an instant I would be inside their office. Here a variety of possible scenarios pan out:
Scenario one: Client reads my email and composes and sends a reply while I watch. Not bloody likely. If this happened I wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t be driven to insane ramblings by the fact that I have no responses to my very important emails! I wouldn’t be dreaming of ways to make the read receipt actually give people the impetus, or courtesy, or whatever is needed to get them to respond to emails.
Scenario two: Client reads my email and decides not to respond even though he or she is sitting at the computer. Not being unreasonable, I will of course add another super power to my list – that of multiple time existence, so I can be in two places at one time. That way I can see what the person ignoring my email is doing while still doing what I need to do for work, which for my part includes answering emails. If I didn’t deign to answer emails, I wouldn’t care that people don’t respond to mine. So, I would watch for a while and if I see that the person is just ignoring my budget proposal, which they demanded be done in half the time it usually takes to do one because they got a late mandate, I will give them a swift whack over the head. I might be invisible, but I am very much tangible. So, I would give them a swift good old South African klap and then whisper in their ear: “What about that proposal? Email the poor girl and let her know what is happening.” If that elicits no response I would do a spot of mind reading to see what the feedback is on the proposal (yes, I am becoming the superhero of all superheroes) and then type my own response to myself about the feedback and then flashback to the office and respond. We might just get the entire very urgent job that required a double time proposal done in this manner. Hmm…
Scenario three: Client is not in office. Again I employ my multiple time existence super power and sniff out the culprit. If he is in a meeting I might gently move his hand to write himself a note to reply to my email as soon as he gets back to his desk. Yes, I can also ghost write. If the culprit is having a beer with the lads I will employ the good old SA klap and the whisper in the ear which will carry on incessantly until the poor person runs screaming to his computer to dash out a response.
I shall also employ these superpowers for people who do not answer messages left by receptionists and PA’s (REPEATEDLY) and people who don’t answer their own voicemail. Why on earth record yourself saying: “You have reached so and so. Please record the time of call and leave your name and surname and I will get back to you.” when you clearly won’t? But that is a topic for another day.
My point of all this is that there is clearly a bit of a problem in business as there is a serious decline of email responses. Some might say that is because with it being so easy to relate via email people aren’t phoning and meeting and the best business response is gained by talking, especially face-to-face. But that is a bit problematic when you have to use one or the other of the avoidable methods of contact to secure that face-to-face meeting. Another problem is the volume of emails that people get. I don’t have a solution to this problem, except to say that a very valid point is a courtesy point: do unto others as you will have done unto you. You want emails answered? Phone calls returned? Then do the same. Schedule these things in. Otherwise I am either going to have to really find away to become Super Project Manager with a list of super powers as long as my arm just to get to the point of agreement and go ahead, or find myself in a white padded room twittering a garbled stream of words like email, superhero, no response…
© Dominique Masson 2008
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